monday14th may was my birthday.
didnt plan to celebrate with anyone.
i undergo weeks of mental preparations to change myself.
to stop my addiction to gaming.
get a better life.
present and expres the better me.
which was 2 years ago while i was a RP freshy.
the better personality.
the better preforming.
the better rational thinking.
the better gaming pro skill i had.
the better aura that i feel so different.
now im jux a less then average joe cum nerd cum no lifer.
wat transform me into this.
failed L***.
but it all over now.
i found a new target and we had a week.
a week only and she felt weird.
am i such a bad person.
haiz.
guess i am and really is.
i realised wat i did.
i was a noob in all this.
some of my frenz noe a bit.
but deep down insid me.
i noe im jux a rookie for all this.
i hardly feel for som one.
im not a flirt which som ppl view me as.
my exterior deceived a million ppl.
i noe who i am and wat i am make of.
mayb im too emo.
but its actually the dark side of me.
which others hardly got to know.
guess im a good actor or watever u call it.
clown lahz lame lahz watever.
i can tell a lot of tins by looking and listening.
plus feeling.
my six sense and gut is of a different species.
im friendly and i love it.
but i noe i cant be so close to all of them.
too bad im not a rich person.
i was born with a sliver spoon.
but rose up to a metal spoon.
WHY!? FUCK RICH!
got inferior to monetary matters a lot of time.
but it makes me learn.
i noe who are frenz in need.
alot of my beloved frenz are great ppl.
a SALUTE to all of u guys and gals.
SORRY!
i had problems to repay all your kindness currently.
my eagerness is strong.
but my determination is weak.
feeling emo is all part of being me somtimes.
the emo-tensionalisation.
showing others the ever happy anson is a mux.
the happygolucky anson.
well back to my birthday celebration.
i dun intend to get company.
but due to some noise from my si mei.
who ask me to get company if not blah blah.
i tried but still ppl areny always there for u.
i hate the feeling of being thrown aside already.
but guess what.
i love that feeling too.
being said sorry i cant pei u.
i got used to it.
recently felt rather lonely.
as i noe that i had alway been.
since young i was a loner.
and will always be.
even in big groups i felt the same thing.
continuing from the birthday.
i reach sch in the morning by taking bus.
i had to sweat.
walking for 5mins makes me sweat.
hatred for sweat made me transfer basketball to gaming.
which requires minimal sweat output.
arriving in class was like a drama serial.
im the xtra of coz.
i had 4 different class.
for this class i got 3 old classmate.
i was rather closer to them.
but i felt the distant overtime.
class was the same to me.
i did my under performing stuffs.
i totally kept a secret abt my birthday.
my birthday which i view as it as an anniversary.
a reminder to wat i always had been done.
LATE!
everything i do this was wat happen.
school outing meeting waking up meals.
even L***.
tired of being this way.
marking it makes a scar in my heart.
and i hope it gaves me the will.
the power to change.
back to the birthday.
after class i did my quiz evaluation and RJ fast.
everything by 4pm.
coz i gotten rush to 888plaza.
my family is going to makan good food.
although we had a earlier celebration.
which was eating a cake on the previous day.
but i sure chong for good food.
but when i arrived and saw no one.
ghost!
Matriarch called me and said cancelled.
due to the time constraint that Patriarch had.
i was a bit angry.
family!
i met up my both of them at adminralty place later.
they passed me some dinner dollars.
kept it for outing which i told them abt.
they mux had thoughts that i was going out wif my frenz.
NONONO!
guess wat.
even my parents dun noe me.
they think they noe me but the fact is.
im jux not a human being.
im some thing else.
im feel jux so different.
im that hard to understand.
deep inside i noe.
after i departed from my parents.
i took a train to ang mo kio.
to go for a hair cut.
my hair as all can see was so long.
i was mistaken as female quite a number of times.
Dumb!
love my hair.
i had received positive and negative comments.
but i feel its was better then my shity hair style ages ago.
so bad i dun wanna type abt it anymore.
after dropping off at ang mo kio.
and half way to the shop.
jy called me.
SURPRISE!
she was meeting jielin and karen at Jubilee.
saw her in office wear.
>.<"!
they were going to hav heart to heart talks.
so after being rejected by them to go for diner together.
i didnt feel that bad as jielin wanted to tell them her stuff.
im a understanding being.
i proceed to the shop again.
i think i master the art of changing faces.
i shown them the happy side.
and once im alone again.
the dark side took over.
jielin called me before i reach the shop.
asking me if i was ok.
i think so for now if she is talking to me.
CHANGE!
upon reaching i said jian tou fa.
meaning cut hair in chinese.
i noe its dummie direct translation.
well anyway i had no waiting time.
i sat down and i discussed with the hairstylist.
we had a rather long chat.
she finished quite fast.
considering she was chating with colleagues at the same time.
as anyone who cut my hair will comment.
xiao di, ni you hen duo bai tou fa.
meaning.
boy, you got a lot of white hair.
im old i replied always.
laugh they always will.
humans predictable.
anyway after the haircut.
i took a fast pix with my handphone.
SHIT!
forget to take one pic 1st before i cut.
this time round i trim a bit for the back.
which still has almost the 95% lenght.
top and back it cut for spike.
side and front cut to suit the long hair.
cut not too long or too short.
front and side was cut till they suit the backside.
after the haircut.
i took train to Plaza SINAPURE.
and to looking for an 8pm plus SPIDEERMAN III.
i walk towards to the Cathay to check their timing.
in the end i chose gv.
i return to PS by foot.
on the way.
i saw one who was alone and look beautiful
was tempted but haiz.
when to PS basement and brought a BK meal.
after buying the tics i wet straight to the usher.
who told me pls com back 45mins later.
i was wondering not now.
i read the tics carefully.
and it was my mistake.
i went back to the cashier.
asked the cashier to replace it with a earlier timing.
she guadually did it.
THANKZ!
again i did not read the tics.
and walk into the wrong room of the cinema.
everyone in the cinema was either couple friend or family.
i was the only one alone.
felt weird at me huh.
coz no one felt the same as i did.
the movie was great as i expected.
action twist love.
enjoy the movie and the BK meal at the same time.
the pepsi was upside down when i was taking it out.
but lucky the BK was in a plastic bag.
and it didnt leak to my bag.
LUCKY!
but the pepsi soak some of my orion rings.
YUCKS!
the wet orion rings was not tasty at all.
after the movie ended i waited.
again no one actually noe my habit.
1st i hate to squeeze in crowd with ppl.
2nd is i dun like much body contact with other ppl.
it takes a long time to get through.
and have to be like fighting for a spot to do so.
felt dumb doing it.
i was sitting comfortably at my seat while they squeeze.
wait quite long but i feel its better this way.
as the time was early.
for me and my perspection.
i went to eGames which was a stone throw away.
shared a joke with the counter staff.
and i proceed to my appointed com.
saw a noob cs player on my right.
and a nub dota player on my left.
i wanna laugh but never.
not good lahz as i was a noob too.
but the mistakes they make can be the joke of the year.
or mayb in the gaming history too.
in the end i started wc3 and play dota.
own and got owned as usual.
jux nice the game ended and i gotta catch a train.
the last train was 1210-1215 if im not wrong.
dun noe why.
after i dyed hair and cut hair the 1st time round.
i always had eye contact wif who who.
felt different and its kind of paiseh.
plus sure got 1 was dropping off at my stop too.
well enough of that.
i love start gazing.
almost everytimg i walk home.
i tend to walk slowly and gaze into the sky.
trying hard to find the starts.
as if im finding myself.
walking home was 3mins.
but i sat at a bench near my hse.
it was an open space so i can watch the sky.
that night the sky was so clear with no cloud.
it seems that all the stars had appear to greet me.
saying happy birthday to me.
the stars were so glittering that night.
i wanna kiss them.
guess wat.
i saw a shooting star after a long time.
my very 1st shooting star i seen.
and of coz i make a wish.
i wish for something call L***.
hope it will come true really.
after 1 hours of star gazing.
its time to head home sweet home.
so tired that i slpt after a while from shower.
and that marks the end of my birthday celebration.
the day that marks an anniversary.
reminder of the pass.
haunting the spines of brain.
hiding in the depth of abyss.
calling to the mind of L***.

Monday's The End.

tueday 15th may.
same old stuff.
but my birthday was still kept low profile.
biggest happening of the day was after sch.
in the evening.
i chatted wif jy and told her almost everything.
but situation remains the same.
later in the night.
i met daniel.
ex-EvT ex-RPC clans which we affliated.
in the old days we rock.
1337!
Daniel taught me a challenge to train dota.
we play dota and i slp after 2 games.

wednesday16th,may.
woke up at 7am.
rush off to northpoint.
which is 3mins walk from daniel's house.
brought mac breakfast.
delivered to jy void deck.
waiting time starts at 720am.
althought i dun noe wat time jy start work.
but it couldnt had been this long.
i gave up at 9am and left.
ate the mac breakfast along the way.
i gave the coffee to matriarch.
i dun drink coffee only milo.
***
omg i fell aslp half way through.
if im not wrong i slpt at 5am plus.
had been typing this post the moments i came home.
reach home ard 1220 after star gazing for 20 mins under my block.
the sky was clearer then my birthday.
a lot of beautiful stars shining brightly in the starry night sky.
love stars love start gazing.
was typing this so long post for hours.
but its still only half way through.
lets continue.
***
Wednesday 10am plus.
went to adminralty place to makan.
wanna to eat breakfast with my parents.
but the food choices was so limited.
but i decided to settle down for fish porridge.
im hardly eating such healthy food.
went to sch lib ard 11am plus.
saw wayne and i went over to grab a seat.
i got FYP meeting at 145.
but i dun noe how to open up to them.
JIALAT!
hope will be better in future.
anyway.
thursday and so on was quite familiar.
i went back to gaming dota after sch.
kinda miss the dota guys.
the fun time which we had.
30th may i going for a trial-ing for daniel's team.
so im training now.
hope to go gosu.
gosu equals to pro.
1337 equals to elite.
PLAY HARD! GO PRO!
slogan for CPl.
pro gamers who earn really money.
the SG market or say SEA market is so damn small.
currently only china and korea had paid pro gamers.
im no longer coaching cs anymore.
the team was disbanded but i knew of it a week later.
guess im just too busy.
***
wanted to go out now as im typing this.
but the weather was gonna rain.
i dun mind rain.
i dun mind going out alone.
but i wan to rest my body and mind.
stay at home to slack is the best.
except for the fact that my hse is 24/7 noisy.
cant i hav peace on my own.
anyway lets unpause.
***
skip the boring days.
wednesday nite i went over to daniel's hse again.
training dota and learn from him.
but the big time motive is the next day.
slpt at 4 after some games with ash and azhar.
well L*** really makes me going this time round.
i was planning to wake up at 7am.
and my determination helped through.
i woke daniel up who told me to.
pack up my stuff and walk to NorthPoint mac.
brought a mcfillet meal breakfast.
on the way to jy's void deck.
i saw lester the great guy i nvr had enough time with.
as i walked pass the 1st bus stop on the way.
the bus service number 811 stop yet again.
jux like the week before.
i tok it was a blessing in disguise.
to help me reach jy's void deck faster.
as it was a second time so i kinda of believe it.
but i somehow wanna slap myself in the face.
the bus turn right instead of left at the last junction.
i got off at the next bus stop hastily.
walked at my fastest pace for 5mins.
as i reach the void deck i sense similiar aura.
is it me or wat.
the memories that jab me.
i waited at the void deck near the lift.
passer-bys were all looking at me.
housewife retirees working adults students even the kids.
im not your neighbour friend.
just a less then average person.
who wants to make a delievery.
after much waiting i decided to wait till 830am.
jy came down and saw me at 815.
asking why are you here.
i show her the breakfast and smile.
she received the breakfast that i passed.
but jy ask me where im going next stunned me.
as i had no idea at all.
as i never of it.
i reply take bus go home.
but it was thursday and i had lesson.
we walked to the bus stop together.
i was to take 965 and her bus was opposite it.
she was late and decided to not wait for the bus.
she walked all the way to work.
as she goes off and i guadually took a seat at the bus stop.
her back view was kinda not so much of a pleasant feeling.
but the thought of jy accepted the breakfast was kinda good.
hope the breakfast doesnt get too cold.
will cold food triggers grastic i wonder.
anyway since then i saw jy online.
which i didnt after the tueday chatting.
~~~
i guess this marks the end of the birthday and feeling post.
my brain think alot these days.
it was as always but.
cureently im more lonely and it brings out my thinking personality.
the kinda of person who i used to be.
which was lost a long time ago.
some activities happenings and show changed me.
im changing every moment nowadays.
if you ask me.
when was the last time you did something for the first time.
i will say.
im always doing something for the first time everyday.
and yes i love it.
the feeling of discovering gems and fossils wasnt of much fun as this.
the pure and unknown future awaits me.
and all of us.
lets work towards a future with life.
like the brightness of stars in a starry night sky.

*PS I just found out this post was 10 page long after I copy it to Mwords

lavender love.

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